Well, if Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is considered shoddy and weird, it ain’t got nothin’ on 1964’s risible The Magic Christmas Tree, which is definitely the worst film I’ve seen so far. Directed by Richard C. Parish this family fantasy film tells the tale of young Mark (Chris Kroesen) who climbs a tree to save a witch’s cat and is launched into a crazy adventure by a talking Christmas Tree that grants him three wishes. When his wishes don’t quite work out, Mark must do all he can to Save Christmas. It doesn’t sound like the worst plot in the world but, at just 60 minutes long, this still manages to feel much longer and is an excruciating watch.
Very little happens but they really drag it out, with lots of odd, illogical goings-on with little explanation and even less charm. Schoolkid Mark turns out to be a mean, selfish little shit, introduced lording it over his pals, bragging about the majesty of his meatball sandwich packed lunch in just one of many scenes that really outstay their welcome. The film is full of bad acting, nonsensical plotting and scenes where it very noticeably turns from night to day and back again as though the whole concept of continuity just went out the window.
I’d be kinder, as I understand that making movies can be really tough, but in this case it’s hard to be charitable as Parish’s film shamelessly cribs so much from the far superior Wizard of Oz. We open in black and white (on Halloween, for some reason) with Mark daring his little buddies to go round to a creepy old neighbour’s house. The old crone - an overacting Wicked Witch-inspired Valerie Hobbs (no other credits) - appears, snatches Mark and asks him to get her cat Lucifer down from a tree. The kid slips and cracks his head, waking up to - you guessed it - glorious technicolour. As thanks, the old bird gives him a weird ‘magic’ ring with a picture of Santa on it, instructing him that there’s a magic seed inside and if he plants it underneath the wishbone of a Thanksgiving turkey (!) he’ll be granted three wishes.
Naturally, the kid does so and we’re treated to the delight of a long scene of him digging the hole…yay? Lo and behold, in a flash of lightning, the ugliest, most threadbare tree you’ve ever seen is conjured into existence.
We then get a ‘hilarious’ scene of Mark’s dad (director Parish) ‘comically’ trying to get his lawnmower to start, which takes a number of long, soul-destroying minutes. Then, brilliantly, we get to watch him…mow the lawn, very slowly, intercut with shots of Mark’s pet tortoise, y’know, being a tortoise and some shots of his mom talking on the phone. It’s thrilling. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Dad manages to crash the mower into the tree that he’s somehow failed to notice is in the middle of the lawn. It’s a truly wretched scene that has me checking my watch a fair few times. The overriding feeling I get from this sequence is “what the hell were they thinking?”
After that rip-roaring bit, we discover the tree can talk and it agrees to grant the lad those wishes. They magic themselves up some truly crap decorations then zap themselves inside the house where Mark wishes for an “hour of power”, which basically allows him to be a dick to everyone around town. He zaps a truck so it drives away without its driver, causing a custard pie fight for some reason and creating chaos for the local fire department. Every young boy’s dream.
Next, he wishes for Santa to effectively become his own personal slave and to get him whatever he wants. Santa’s not too into it, but what can you do? Pesky wishing trees. So, Christmas is effectively ruined for everyone except Mark who doesn’t appear to give a damn. That is, until a completely surreal encounter in the woods with a “giant” - basically just a tall, hairy man. - who pretty much threatens to murder him. Will the boy see the error of his ways? Will Christmas be saved? Is this all just a dream? I tell you what - you won’t care, as it’s all completely piss-poor.
Top to bottom, everything about this film sucks - it all feels so half-hearted, made with a real “oh, will this do?” vibe. My delve into the films of yesteryear has shown me that filmmakers of more than 70 years previous were able to come up with things far superior to this mess on a fraction of the technology and resources, so there’s no excuse for this being so, so bad. Luckily, it’s just about ‘So bad it’s good’ and certainly fascinating just for the fact that a bunch of people decided this was a tale worth telling. However, it’s nowhere near as watchable as Santa Claus Vs the Devil, so why waste your time? Avoid.
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