Having just viewed a pair of new modern classics, I'm brought down to earth with a bump by The App That Stole Christmas. Released in 2020, this is just plain bad, a movie that displays ineptitude across every level. It’s an excruciating watch and, at just 63 minutes long, barely even qualifies as a feature film. I do always try to search for positives in all the films I watch, even those made by Ken Del Vecchio but with this shoddy tale of a tech entrepreneur who worries his successful app may be ruining the holiday season, I'm really struggling .
I will say this - the film's message about "presence over presents", encouraging people to come off technology and actually be present in the moment with their families, is an excellent one. It's just that the manner in which director and 'music executive' Monica Floyd tries to convey that message is bloody awful.
This cheap, tacky looking picture follows Jackie Long's Felix, a tiresome tech millionaire who's invented an allegedly revolutionary mobile app. It's never clear what the app actually does but it's called 'Bomazon', so you get the idea. Everyone brags about how cool the app is and how people just can't get enough of it. It's the sort of film that deserves its own drinking game - if you take a drink every time someone says "app", you'll be absolutely slaughtered, though I doubt it'll enhance the movie.
The film very heavy-handedly illustrates to us how Felix's company and the app are distracting him and everyone around him from the real "meaning for the season" - spending time with family. However, this is done very clumsily through a number of scenes showing him literally hanging out with his wife, son and his own father, during which they all whine about how he doesn't spend any time with them. Way to enjoy your precious time together, guys.
The film is also suspiciously populated with rappers and hip-hop musicians, such as Ray J and JayQ pretending they can act, with lots of unnecessary scenes of people listening to bad hip-hop music. It gradually dawns on me that this whole 'film' is one big bit of gratuitous product placement, which is confirmed when the end credits confirm this was produced by a record company. For shame.
Anyway, Felix must learn the true meaning of Christmas, which is achieved when a colleague bumps into him, somehow sending him into a magical dream coma where he hangs out with black Santa (J.Anthony Brown) at his resort in Miami and learns to make toys. Because nothing yells “Christmas” like Miami Beach and an irascible Santa who seems possibly drunk or high as a kite, or both.
I could maybe forgive the crap acting and poor production values - the camera angles are hellish and the sound mix is minging - if the story made sense. In an early scene, Felix is warned by JayQ’s mysterious visitor that his entire world will change “tonight”. Then, that night, nothing happens. We clearly see him at home that night before he goes back to work the next day where he refers to JayQ as though that scene from the day before just happened a minute ago. Then his magic dream happens, but in that dream he has flashbacks to things that didn’t even happen to him but to his son. It’s careless, shoddy and delivered with a half-assedness that suggests nobody involved cared.
For a short movie, this one feels hellishly padded out, with numerous scenes at Felix’s wife (Elise Neal, Hustle & Flow)’s hair salon where the girls all just babble about how great the app is and make confusing jokes about Beyonce’s mum. This is a film that has a blippy-bloppy auto-tune R’n’B song in it called ‘Rudolph the Runny-Nosed Reindeer’ and it’s as bad as that sounds.
I hate this film and it’s not ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ but just painfully shit. Speaking of which, tonight we’re celebrating as we’ve finally managed to coax Amelia into doing a poop after her being constipated for five days. Just thought I’d mention that, as she probably had more fun teasing that one out than I did watching this garbage.
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