2018’s Slay Belles is a low-budget action-horror film that appears like it might be a lot of fun from its DVD cover but turns out to be really rather duff. The plot concerns three cosplaying girls who must join forces with an all-action Santa to defeat Krampus and has the potential to be something quite special, but it quickly becomes clear that this is a very cheap attempt to cash-in on the popularity of its three scantily-clad heroines, all established Youtube stars. The girls are not seasoned actors and it shows, the film coming off as amateurish, a bit pervy and nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is.
The main trio of Sadie (Hannah ‘Minx’ Wagner), Dahlia (Susan Slaughter) and Alexi (Kristina Klebe) are clearly supposed to be super-desirable - sure, they’re good-looking, but I find them mostly irritating. For me, there’s something very undesirable about a girl who knows they’re pretty and plays on it all the time. Their dialogue also seems really forced and Slaughter’s character in particular throws in so many gratuitously unnecessary F-bombs that I begin to wonder if she’s going for some record.
Our three heroines, famous for making ‘urban exploring’ videos while dressed in bizarre anime-inspired costumes, visit an abandoned ‘Santa Land’ attraction where they somehow manage to unleash the Krampus. To their rescue comes the real Santa, here reimagined as a fearsome biker played by cult legend Barry Bostwick. It sounds fun on paper but I find it gratingly mind-numbing.
It takes ages to get going, with many rambing scenes of the girls wandering about, showing off their ample cleavage. When we do get to the action, it’s all done with that horrific ‘shaky cam’ style, usually in the dark, meaning I have no idea what’s going on. Krampus is basically just a guy in a hairy horned wookie costume, with one of the girls actually pointing out the creature’s similarity to Star Wars’ Chewbacca. See, if they point it out then you can’t criticise it, I guess?
The soundtrack is composed of horrid, ear-pummeling noisy Dubstep stuff with a festive flavour. There’s also a woefully low body count for a creature feature horror/action hybrid and it all has the feel of a slightly ‘edgier’ version of a Scooby Doo episode, albeit one with some gratuitous boob shots thrown in to please the nerds. It really doesn’t amount to much and the whole project is a shining example of how being a successful Youtuber doesn’t necessarily qualify you to be a movie star.
Leering cosplay ‘fans’, be warned -don’t waste your time, as none of the girls get naked. If you’re desperate for that sort of thing, there’s plenty of, er, alternative websites for you to explore. Maybe, I’m just grumpy today as it’s the hottest day of the year so far and I’m stuck inside all day for work, though the sound of Amelia and her little buddy squealing with glee as they splash about in the paddle pool does cheer me up quite a lot.
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