In a very welcome break from the apocalyptic grimness, the next film on my watchlist is the thoroughly ridiculous Santa Claus Conquers the Martians from 1964. Directed by Nicholas Webster this one is routinely found on lists of the worst movies of all time. But, I tell you what - I’ve seen a lot worse. To let you in on a secret, my mum bought me this on VHS from Woolworths when I was a nipper and I must have watched it a hundred times. So, full disclosure, I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for it. Sure, the ‘futuristic’ sets all look like they’re made from cardboard and tinfoil and everything looks cheap and nasty but it’s a fun, earnest, retro film with its heart completely in the right place. It’s clearly a film made for children and makes no apologies for playing to its target audience, yet is routinely skewered by grown-up nerds on things like MST3K where it’s trendy to poke fun at the film’s dated shoddiness.
Yes, even as a five year old, I was acutely aware that this film was incredibly naff - the ‘Martians’ were obviously guys with kitchen utensils stuck to their heads, the ‘terrifying’ polar bear was clearly a guy in a zip-up suit, the killer robot ‘Torg’ was made of cardboard boxes and toilet roll tubes and so on. But I accepted all that and enjoyed the film anyway as a childish romp through outer space story with a wholesome DIY aesthetic. To me, this one is like ancient kids telly classic Button Moon, where all the characters and spaceships and stuff were made out of wooden spoons, plastic bottles and other things you find in the kitchen - you know none of this is real, but it works ok if you just use your imagination.
The plot concerns ruler of Mars, Kimar (Leonard Hicks) who’s fed up that the Martian children are lazy and under the influence of pop culture beamed in by television from Earth. To try and pep the kids up, Kimar rashly orders the kidnapping of Santa Claus (John Call), hoping jolly old jelly belly will spread festive cheer across Mars. However, two earthling children accidentally get nabbed as well, leading to complications.
It’s all wilfully daft but fun, with silly gags and a raucous climax with the kids taking on moustached, deep-baritoned baddie Voldar (Vincent Beck) using a load of toys taken from Santa’s workshop. The cheapie, eccentric vibe is like a watered down, far less nightmare-inducing version of Santa Claus Vs The Devil.
There are some cool ideas that probably seemed mega-futuristic at the time, like the Martians eating “food pills” instead of meals, using a “sleep ray” on restless children and defending themselves with a device that can freeze enemies in their tracks (Santa jokes it’s the first time he’s heard Mrs Claus be quiet - arf!).
The theme song ‘Hooray For Santy Claus’ is also a toe-tapping belter, a catchy-as-hell earworm that’s impossible to resist. It’s a shame then that the film is let down by its wooden kiddie actors who appear to have been picked based on cuteness rather than any real acting prowess, though this is notable for being the first on-screen appearance of Pia Zadora as a Martian kid. Like the film around her, she’s a bit crap, but radiates an innocent warmth and charm that’s hard to hate, especially at Christmas time.
Watching this gives me some traumatising flashbacks to my youth. Croaky-voiced Martian elder Chochem (Carl Don) is a seriously petrifying dude, like a sinister crossbreed of Yoda and that freaky Seer from TV’s Vikings. Everything that happens is kind of his fault too - he’s the one that points out that Martian kids need a Santa Claus, though to be fair I don’t think he recommends abducting the guy. Luckily, Mars has its own Santa figure hiding in plain sight the entire time, dopy but cheery comic relief character Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) who’s more than willing to bring some cheer to the red planet so Santa can go back home.
The message is all about bringing the magic of Christmas to poor people who haven’t experienced it. This isn’t about religion being forced upon a culture but about desperate, struggling parents going to extreme lengths to make their children happy, whatever the cost. I enjoy that even though Santa understands he’s being kidnapped, the misguided Martians really do need his help so he affably plays along. It’s sweet and just the right blend of cheesy.
There’s also a weird subtext of Cold War paranoia going on. When the Martians enter Earth’s orbit, news footage includes discussion of whether this is something to do with the Russians, while there’s lots of stock footage of jets, warships, soldiers and even nukes being readied. None of that really leads to anything, but it’s a stark reminder that nuclear war was a real everyday fear for children back in the sixties.
I don’t totally understand the hate for this one - daily, my diaghter subjects me to loads of kids’ TV rubbish, the production values of which are often no worse than this (Mr Tumble, I’m looking at you) and nobody seems to have a bad word to say about those shows. Like I said, it’s a kids’ film from the sixties, aimed squarely at kids, but smart-arse modern-day hipster critics like to point at it and laugh, as though the filmmakers were trying to make something Oscar-worthy. Well, the film has endured and is still enjoyed by audiences - ironically or otherwise - to this day, so I guess the joke’s on them. Altogether now - “ S-A-N-T-A…C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!!!”
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