I remember 1996’s Jingle All the Way seeming a lot better back when it came out. The world’s biggest movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger starring in a big budget, special effects-laden family Christmas comedy? What could go wrong?
The premise is simple - workaholic dad Howard Langston (Arnie) must brave the mental Christmas Eve shopping crowd to get the season’s must-have Turbo Man toy and keep a promise he made to his long-suffering son Jamie (Jake Lloyd). Problem is, Arnold’s character is an irredeemable asshole and most of the gags feel uncomfortably forced. Director Brian Levant has a decent pedigree in making winning family movies but this one can’t decide if it wants to be a smart satire on festive materialism or straight-up cartoonish romp.
Some of the jokes are in pretty bad taste for a family film. When a supporting character (a children’s entertainer, no less) remarks that he’s “sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant”, I question what on earth the writers were thinking of. Elsewhere, there’s an extended gag involving a letter-bomb, with the whole thing played for laughs, even after said explosive does indeed blow up in a packed office building. And who could forget the part where Arnold one-punch K.O.’s an unlucky reindeer before handing the poor beast an ice cold beer? It’s mad. Fair enough, the reindeer bit is kind of funny.
None of Howard’s triumphs feel earned, as he bumbles through the film, lying, cheating, scheming and even stealing before essentially stumbling into a case of mistaken identity that allows him to save the day by accident. Still, there’s definitely an enjoyable, anarchic feel of envelope-pushing here. The film revels in showing the depths of depravity men will sink to to get what they want. This came out the Christmas after Toy Story-mania gripped the world and shoppers went to ridiculous, violent lengths to get their hands on Buzz Lightyear toys, who Turbo clearly resembles. That maybe explains how this mad mess of a film made over $100 million.
Howard crosses paths with Sinbad’s demented postman Myron who is also after the plastic prize, beginning an odd bout of camaraderie/competitive, backstabbing one-upmanship. Unfortunately professional comedian Sinbad is drastically unfunny here, mugging his way through various ‘comedy’ anti-consumerist rants and exhibiting acting so piss-poor he makes Schwarzenegger look like Brando.
There’s a surreal musical tangent involving Jim Belushi as a corrupt Santa dealing in counterfeit toys, culminating in a martial arts battle with kung-fu kicking elves. It’s rubbish, but memorable. Elsewhere,Phil Hartman gives a hilarious, scene-stealing turn as Howard’s smarmy, single-dad neighbour, putting the moves on all the neighbourhood’s lonely housewives.
To his credit, Arnold throws himself into some poor material but on this viewing I find it hard to root for a man who would contemplate robbing his neighbours or blatantly cheat to win a competition. I guess the film is depressingly true-to-life, the message seeming to be ‘Christmas sure can turn people into assholes but, hey, it’s for the kids, y’know?’
Jingle All the Way is watchable in a ‘what the heck were they thinking’ kind of way and I will happily watch Schwarzenegger in anything - even a bright pink Turbo Man outfit. I actually admire how crazy things get at the end, with Howard-as-Turbo Man battling Myron-as-villain ‘Dr Dementor’, like some messed-up cartoon fever dream. But, ultimately, it’s sad that everything gets sorted out by happenstance, the film missing the point that Howard wasted Christmas Eve running around town, when all his kid wanted was some time with him.
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