Disaster is the name of the game in Christmas Icetastrophe, a 2014 made-for-TV SyFy Channel production that would likely make scientists puke up their eggnog. This tale of a mysterious meteorite bringing ice and extreme freezing temperatures to a small, sleepy town at Christmas is absolute nonsense but told with a straight face and a lot of heart. This one is directed by Jonathan Winfrey who brought us delights like Bloodfist 7 and Carnosaur 3, so you just know it’s gonna be good.
There is no real explanation as to why a hunk of rock from outer space would make everything in this mountain town start to flash-freeze, or cause giant icicles to pop out of the ground at random, just in time to blow up cars and helicopters, though this is very cool and hilarious.
Our hero is Charlie Ratchet (Victor Webster), a gruff, handsome, good ol’ American dad whose occupation involves dynamite, so that’ll come in handy. He’s joined by cute grad student Alex (Jennifer Spence) who for some reason is the only person in the world who tracked this meteorite and didn’t think to warn anyone.
I’m no meteorologist but I’m pretty certain that a meteor crash in the middle of the holiday parade wouldn’t cause the town to slowly freeze but it sure is enjoyable to watch. We get the sight of a curiously German-accented Santa being frozen alive before shattering into a pile of frosty meat, so that’s something.
The effects are of typical cheapie made-for-TV SyFy standard but effective enough. Standout moments include the bit where Charlie and Alex try to outrun a flash-freezing lake in a speedboat, an actually-quite-scary bit on a collapsing bridge and, my favourite, the part where the town mayor (Ben Cotton) tries to square-go an avalanche.
This one features such choice dialogue as “You’ve done enough good deeds today that you won’t be on Santa’s naughty list for life” and “Well, I was hoping for a white Christmas…” It’s also the sort of film where facing certain death by frostbite, the townspeople raise their spirits by joyfully singing Christmas carols. It’s cheesy. It’s naff. It’s actually not that bad. Of course not much of it makes sense in this world where you can escape a flash-freeze by simply closing a door, leaping off a boat or just being the mayor. I have no idea why that guy isn’t dead at the end. It’s a Christmas miracle! After guiltily enjoying this rubbish, I resolve to watch some more of this ridiculous SyFy stuff.
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