Christmas Day 2020 comes and goes all too quickly, as Christmases always do. For all the talk of fun-sapping government imposed restrictions, we end up having a fantastic, if exhausting day. Watching 3 year old Amelia excitedly opening presents is a delight and once Christmas lunch is cooked and scoffed I’m able to relax and have some proper fun. We all have a ball playing with the child’s new toys, Katie gets a teensy bit sloshed, and I end the festivities sharing an adorable daddy-daughter dance rocking out to The Darkness’ Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End).
In the midst of all the festive madness, I haven’t plucked up the courage to tell Katie what I’m planning, as I’m not sure how she’ll take it. I guess part of me is concerned that she’ll poo-poo the whole thing. Or maybe I’m just scared that I’ll look mental – like, who even contemplates doing something like this? I feel guilty as Katie has always been so supportive of me. She really is great. But, as the days go on, I’m finding it harder and harder to tell her – or anyone - what I’m plotting. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll jinx the whole thing? Ah well, I think – I’ve got a whole year to let her know…
I’m thoroughly knackered by the time night has fallen and once the sprog is off to the Land of Nod, I reward myself with an early night. I need to get my rest in, after all. I’ve got work to do. Before I head off to bed, I get my phone out and fire up Google’s random number generator.
It feels quite thrilling, letting the technological hand of fate determine what films I will tackle first. I shut my eyes and hold my breath as I hit ‘generate’ on Google’s random number thingy. What will destiny select for me to devote the next 31 days of my life to? I kind of hope it’ll be ‘Action’ films – I am male, after all – but then worry about crossing those off too early and not having them to look forward to. Maybe it’ll be ‘Kids’ films? That would be ok. Or maybe ‘Documentaries’? Start my year by learning something?
I open my eyes and exhale. There it is. Lucky number 7. Scanning down my list, I can see that the fates have plunged me into the deep end, picking a genre of films I’m aware of but wholly unfamiliar with – Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’m suddenly not so sure I’m ready for this, being aware that Hallmark flicks are notorious for being slickly made but maddeningly cliched, schmaltzy and oh-so predictable. The American Hallmark pay TV cable channel is famous for producing an insane amount of smallish budget TV movies that have become a huge hit with conservative viewers who can’t get enough of their cheesy content. These films have struck a chord with viewers who regularly tune in to get their fix of sexless, violence-free tales that express good ol’ all-American (Christian) family values, while carefully steering far away from any political themes or stories that might belittle religion. In short, these sound like the dumbest and the safest-of-the-safe films you could possibly imagine.
These tales take place in a world where all problems are trivial and will inevitably be sorted out by everyone simply slowing down and savouring the magic of small town life in the awesome US of A. In Hallmark Land, nobody knows any swear words, and true love is always just around the corner, especially for Big City business types who learn to appreciate The Simple Things. Like baking cookies and stuff. Also, everyone has festive names like ‘Carol,’ ‘Nick,’ ‘Holly,’ or ‘Noelle.’ Oh, and everyone is ridiculously good looking.
Hallmark has produced well over 300 Christmas movies and show no signs of slowing down. I’m aware of these things by reputation, but have avoided watching them, harbouring an admittedly snobbish attitude towards these kinds of ‘easy viewing’ films.
However, on this cool Christmas night, I consider that Hallmark must be doing something right. The viewing figures are phenomenal, leaving me wondering if maybe, just maybe, I’ve been missing out on something? Curious, I request to join a Facebook group called ‘Hallmark Christmas All Year Round Request,’ a page devoted to -you guessed it - the mission of having Hallmark show nothing but Christmas films all year long.
I expect the group to be full of sad, lonely lunatics but discover the page is rather lovely. It’s filled with pleasant posts from people wishing each other a happy yuletide and it's clear there's no place for cynicism or any sort of trolling or hate speech, which is quite something, considering it’s on the internet.
Curious to know more about what the big deal is, I come right out and ask the group’s 128,000 members ‘So, what do you all love most about Hallmark Xmas movies?’
“Everything,” exclaims ‘Alycia,’ explaining ‘I mostly love the storylines, even if they are the same in each movie.
‘Darlene’ pitches in, offering ‘That I always know the ending…so if I fall asleep it’s ok…LOL!”
“They’re fluff, not depressing or dark,” says Tricia, “We get enough of that in real life. The holiday is about joy and these movies are that in spirit.”
It seems like the (mostly American) fans of these movies are drawn in by the escapist pleasures on offer, even if the plots are overly familiar. Scrolling through the comments, the words ‘escape’ and ‘happy ending’ keep popping up. I suppose in these troubled times it makes sense to want to escape into a world where things always work out fine and even the bad guys learn the right lessons.
I’ve given myself a decent clue as to what I’m getting myself into here and so, with trepidation and while my wife and child still snooze away upstairs, I edgily hit play on the very first film of my Christmas movie challenge...
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